Hi there! I feel sick today, well I am literally sick. It's been months since I felt this bloated feeling, loss of appetite, and I'm having nasal congestion too which make my mornings so sickening. :( I went to see a doctor yesterday and luckily, for the first time, she's a woman. Doctors here are mostly men, that's why I always feel uncomfortable having checkups with them. At least now, I know what to do for me to avoid gaining weight despite of not eating so well. I just can't afford to religiously do my exercise... First, it's so tiring, i don't have much patience now compared before that I really drag myself to go to the gym. Secondly, I am alone most of the time after work if my colleagues wouldn't be inviting me to hang out somewhere and go shopping. So how can I have this motivation to eat foods with fibers, exercise and drink more water? waaaahh. it's freaking terrible! But I hope this week will be a good start since I am taking up aerobic class and yoga here in tampines, right infront of my block. So I have no excuse to say that Duh, I can not do this! I can do it bABy!
The time is so fast, days pass like a lightning, I've never imagined that it's already a month since my Inang left us. :( I thank God for showing me the light and giving me a direction I have to take and continue following. She left us for a reason, a reason I have yet to discover. God has more to give because he knows how important my grandmother is to me. :'( The consolation part is knowing the fact that her spirit is with Him and she's freed from all the earthly things specifically, PAIN.

I remember the scenario in the hospital last month, I was so scared to look at the lifeline machine while I was sitting beside my Gmom. I thought it's only happening in movies but when I was talking to her, she had shown me some movements which I will never forget. She was in coma but she did move,just to show me that she was listening to me, that she's there for me. After that incident, I saw a ray of hope that she can make it, I went to our church to pray and ask for this very special wish. No, it's a HOPE, not a wish. I told God, if He will let her live, I won't go back here anymore, but rather spend my life taking care of my whole family.... And this is the first time I felt so desperate asking for something so big to Him. It's my gmom's life above anything else was the most important thing to me that time. I wanted her to live. I even bargained to Him, just let her see me for an hour, or maybe a min, or a second.. I was dying to talk to her and to let her know how much I love her... :'(

This is a very difficult time for me but I am doing my best to fight this feeling. I hate to be alone like this coz I know I will break down and cry. :'( It is just so hard to accept that I will never see her again. She was my mentor, I grew up with her, she had known so well more than my own Mom.

Up in heaven if she's watching over me, I hope she knows how thankful I am that she is my grandmom. I wouldn't be like RONA if not because of her because she has molded me to be a nice girl since the first day she held me.

I am sorry that my recent blog entries sound like a cliche to everyone. Blogging is just the most effective way to let it out. ...

Well, it's a long weekend so I hope to start it right. Thank you Lord for all the blessings... :)

Today is August 6, so it's been 4 years of living my life without the shadows of my past. But I still want to thank him also for being good to my Inang.... :)