Hi! I'm now sitting in a cafe near my hubby's workplace, thinking of relevant things to do starting tomorrow whenever I go home from work. Well, I've changed job since last week thou it took me a while to join this company. I needed to tender one month notice for my previous one, had to clear all my leaves but unfortunately, my grandmother died so I had to go back home. I was still lucky because I was still able to see her alive but fighting for her life. She was in great pain. I can't even imagine how much it hurts to be lying on the hospital bed with the hosts and all those freakin respirator and dextrose. She never wanted to be in the hospital. She would tell us that she would die early if she stays longer inside. Yes, I was scared of the whole situation. I even hate the idea of going to the hospital for just an hour only. The visiting time was AN HOUR! damn it!

The mere fact that I can't do anything to help her, even to let the pain subside, was totally killing me. I love my grandmother so much that until now, I can't get over that she's gone! I will never see her again. I don't know why God had to do this to me. Test my faith, fail me with my prayers of saving my grandma. I want her back, i want her alive. I was too selfish to say that I wanted her to stay longer thou I know she was suffering. It was my greatest wish, I never wished to God anything like this. It's my grandmom's LIFE. That is all I wanted now! :'(

How I wish I was able to go back Phils when she was able to recover. But the situation was so not in favor of me. I lost. I fought hard but still lose. Last June 28, 10AM, I saw her breathing difficulty but still moving her half body after her second stroke. She wanted to speak, I know that she was aware that I was beside her. Her face was like irritated, she can't speak, she can't even open her eyes. I told her about happy thoughts, that i will wait for her and we will do things together again. For the first time, I whispered to her that I love her so much and I would never give up on her. She's the strongest woman I know but how come, God never gave her enough strength to be with me again.

After a week of battle, i needed to go back Singapore. This is the reality I couldn't escape. July 5 2010, she gave up the fight. It was terrible. She waited for me to go first coz she knows I couldn't take it to see her go. I love her. I love her so much!!!
Last July 10, I flew back again to see her for the last time. I told her to guide us all the way and I'm still hoping I can be with her in my dreams coz we never got the chance to talk again. I want to hug her! I want to talk to talk to her again. :'(

If she can read this message, I hope she sees how sad I am now. As strong as I may seem, I am still the soft-hearted baby she took care of for 25 years. I am the luckiest among my siblings coz I was raised by her longer than them.

I love her and I will miss her... :'(