My heart is heavy and weak, yet so filled with love. It’s been a week since I saw my Inang lying in the hospital bed, suffering from her second stroke, fighting for her life. I’m still in the act of denial. Why these things need to happen? Why in this way that we aren’t prepared at all. ☹

My grandmother has been with us since I was born. It’s 25 years of her love and guidance to raise us. But I feel that it’s too short. I still want to be with her thou she’s 87 years old and getting weaker. I never imagined that God will let her experience so much pain that we don’t even know exactly how hurting it is. Physically, you will see her in deep pain and it’s torturing. Mentally, she’s thinking what happened to her, why did she had to go through all of these.

I never had the chance to talk to her in person anymore. But I know when I spoke to her she was still hearing me. She did her best to respond through her small actions to let me know she’s listening and she really wanted to say something but she can’t. :’(
I thought miracles can happen if the person who ask for it is sincere and loving. I thought God will hear my prayers for her even just one year, or one day or maybe one hour of my Inang to see me again. I failed. I couldn’t accept that God is ready to take her but she tried her best to refuse because she knows I’m going back home. I want to scream like there’s no tomorrow! Why in this way??????
Oh God, why is it destined to be like this? You know how I love her, how will I miss her when she’s gone but why???????

At this very moment, I am not sure what’s happening in the hospital. Anytime soon she’ll lose the fight. Her body can not take it anymore. But I know in my heart, she’s fighting for us.
If God will allow, I want to see her alive again, full of life, smiling and laughing with me…. I will miss her and there’s no other love that can replace what I have for her. She’s more than a mother to me. I hope that she will always be there for me to guide me and lead me to the dream she wanted me to be……

I love her. I love her so much….. :’(